I Don’t Know What I Want Anymore, And I’m Okay With That
I used to think I had my life figured out.
I could plan it out in front of me as if it was like a road map. Arriving at each destination would be like ticking off another big life achievement. Graduating school, moving out of home, getting a degree, landing my dream job, finding my soulmate, getting married and having children.
The list really does goes on.
But I don’t know where I got this idea from. The idea that success and happiness equates to being highly educated, getting a good degree, marrying your soulmate, starting a family and being able to afford all the luxuries of life.
At one point in my life this was everything I ever wanted. And it seemed like everyone else around me wanted the same things too. But now, I’m not so sure.
I graduated high school with the dream of becoming a fashion designer. A dream of creating my own fashion label, where I could be my own boss, and wear my own designs. I believed I had an endless creative spark that would make me successful. Perhaps famous or even extremely rich, too. However, this dream quickly got flushed away when one day I realised that it just wasn’t what I wanted anymore. There was no passion in what I was doing. And in such a competitive field, I knew I wasn’t going to achieve anything if my heart wasn’t in it.
My family placed a big importance on education – because they believed that the only way to have a stable and successful life was by getting a good degree. The thought of ever going against this belief, and disappointing my family, was enough to make me start studying again. At the time it was what I wanted to do. I felt encouraged and excited to begin a new chapter of my life. However, soon after I began my degree, I ended up in the same position I was in before. Exhausted, with no motivation and no passion for what I was doing.
This left me with no direction. No path of where I wanted to go, or what I wanted to do.
This was the same for my previous relationships. At the time they were exactly what I wanted. Waking up to the same person every morning. Sharing our morning coffee. Telling each other secrets. Laughing at each others jokes. And planning our future together. Until, it wasn’t quite what I wanted anymore.
The relationship that once lit me up, gave me life and filled me with excitement; was something that eventually started to drain me. It didn’t feel right anymore. It was kind of like ordering the wrong meal at a restaurant. At the time it feels like the right decision, and the first few bites may be delicious. But then you start to get sick of the taste and wish you had ordered something else. Or like when you decide to paint your room purple, then quickly outgrowing it and realising that purple just isn’t the colour for you anymore.
And I was soon to realise a lot of things. I realised that I had always felt somewhat obligated to follow a path others had created for me, rather than creating my own. I realised the things I once planned for, I didn’t really want anymore. And I realised that I had all these years ahead of me, but no idea what I wanted to do with them.
But that’s okay. I don’t know what I want anymore, and I’m okay with that.
You see, I’m okay with not having a road map anymore. I’m okay with stopping all my planning for the future. Because I’m ready to start living for the now. I’m okay with not knowing what career path I want to take at the moment. Because I’m trusting that one day I will. I’m okay with not knowing whether I want a one night stand, or if I want something a little more. I’m okay with ordering the wrong meal at a restaurant. Because at least now I know the right one for next time. I’m okay with not knowing what I want to eat for breakfast. Whether I want overnight oats or eggs on toast. I’m okay with not knowing what colour I should paint my room. Whether I should keep it purple or paint it white.
I don’t know what I want anymore, and I’m okay with that.