Is that me wallowing over another failed interview because I let anxiety shine through yet again?
You know that quiver you get when you are nervous and are stuck on giving an answer, the correct answer? And if you do not provide them with that answer—forget your heart being stuck in your throat—you have your liver and kidneys and lungs up there for good measure.
That quiver makes me want to forget I exist.
What an unpleasant feeling to know exactly where you have gone wrong and wish you could do anything to fix it. I have learned that I should look for a career that suits my personality rather than chasing after jobs that I think will make my parents proud. I am terribly sorry you cannot tell your sister’s husband’s brother’s son that I am a doctor, lawyer, engineer, and genius all rolled into one.
I’m terribly sorry in the way that I am not sorry at all.
I learned to make anxiety my friend.
My therapist told me to think of my anxiety as a child that I must care for and nurture. “My inner child,” she called it. I decided to call it a friend instead because thinking about children gave me anxiety. Oh, the irony.
I will admit that I have been guilty of an ugly emotion lately. A feeling I have always found so hideous it makes me physically ill to know I am capable of it. Jealousy. I have been jealous, and it has made me hate the people I envy and then hate myself more because of it.
Why am I jealous of my friends? Why has society made us so that we envy those that have things we don’t? Why have I been taught that I must have X, Y, and Z to be acknowledged, and if I don’t, I must constantly compare myself to those around me? I have to learn where and why I don’t measure up.
What a tiring cycle I am living in. Jealousy is exhausting; how do I throw it out? Bury it in a black box to go underground. It has no home over here.
The real work that they do not tell you at interviews or even at school is the work you do on yourself.
We are continuously working on ourselves. To do so is to be human.
I have started drinking green tea and threading my eyebrows regularly. That is work and progress, my friends. It makes looking in the mirror a little more satisfying. Also, I like to pretend that green tea replaces the greenish hue of jealousy. I am learning to love myself again and am discovering my talents. I celebrate others wins’, and I motivate myself to be my best self, the person I wish to be with for the rest of my days. When the rare date, day, moment, or second appears, and I get my quiver, my sickness, I welcome it like an old friend.
Anxiety is always punctual, but I will make it wait as long as I can.