To My Younger Self: You Are Everything You Should Be
What I would tell my younger self.
Take part in conversations.
Speak up.
Get involved.
I spent too much time worrying about what others would think of me, and less time in bettering myself and doing what makes me happy.
I should have written all my heart’s desires and pursued art until my fingers bled paint, but I gave it up because I thought I was not worthy. And if I could not perfect my craft then I did not want to ruin it, or bring shame to it. So I gave it up willingly and only ended up hurting myself.
I wish I had never stopped dancing just because girls were mean at that age and I felt unbeautiful in an array of whirling pink tutus. Why was I so brown?
I didn’t stand tall enough at school… what’s that line from the Spiderman movie, when Mary Jane talks to Peter from the fence?
“You’re taller than you look.” –MJ
“I hunch.” –P
“Don’t.” –MJ
I hunch. I’ve always been hunching. That was me throughout my whole school life. I didn’t use my voice. I felt unworthy. Not anymore. Not until I realised how smart I was, how capable.
When I received validation from men in my life I realised how little that actually meant. Because they only just learned all of what I was, when I knew from the very beginning.
When I receive validation from people who have struggled as I have; and continued to speak up, to learn, to be present, I find an ally and a source of strength. I want to hear stories of struggles and how they turned those into strengths.
To paint yourself as perfect is so boring to see. There is such beauty in falling down. I’ll forever be a mess of stubby brown legs in a baby pink tutu falling down around pretty ballerinas. I wouldn’t want to be any other way.
Another thing—if you don’t want to do something, then simply don’t do it.
There is nothing more soul crushing than realising you have been sacrificing happiness and precious time doing things you hate for reasons that will not help you in the future.
Being passive is a quality that makes you want to burn yourself from the inside out, because you hate to be that way. But everyone around you enjoys you that way, because you make everything easier for them, and less for yourself.
Let’s not do that anymore.
I can’t stay up nights thinking about conversations I should have had; decisions I should have made. I want to be a person that is already the person they want to be. I want dreamless nights and waking to be the dream; where I get to paint my day, my journey and feel worthy of existence.
What a thing to be a person you love. Don’t forget that as you grow.
And last but not least I turn to ideals of beauty. Don’t get caught up in them. There is no checklist for being beautiful, no guidelines to follow. It’s a feeling, that we all have. That we all are worthy of having.
Don’t let your Mother ruin your curls to make you look more Indian, and stop with the hair dye. You are fine, just the way you are. Do not let anyone tell you that ironing your hair is the way to go, because I promise you will deeply regret it. And if someone says you look better with straight hair, simply smile and say you do not care for their opinion at all. Because you look fantastic either way.
To my younger self,
don’t worry,
you are everything you should be.