It’s just after midday, although I should probably tell you it’s a little bit later, since I’m also going to confess what I’m drinking.
Or actually, let me keep that to myself.
It’s the usual cold and grey outside; I’m sat at a wine bar, which should give away my little secret, and as I look through the big glass doors and contemplate everyone walking by, I can’t help but think to myself, how on earth did I get here?
Let’s back up a bit.
Five years ago, at 18 years old, I moved to London.
The plan (little me back then thought plans would follow themselves along) was to go to University, and after I graduated, move back to sunny Madrid; where I’d get my dream job, meet a guy, get a dog and forever be happy.
The truth is, I stayed.
For a reason known as someone, someone who’s no longer there; but that’s beside the point.
The real point is, if what I thought was keeping me in London is gone, how come I’m not yet looking to go back home?
How come I no longer have this rush to leave the grey skies, the polite, yet extremely cold people, the busy streets, English tea, and fish and chips?
I guess my question to myself is, why am I still here?
This is where my hands begin to slow down as I write, because I haven’t put this into words before. And my brain tends to think faster than I can talk; which constantly leaves me behind, trying to catch up with myself.
Hopefully, by the end of this story, I’ll have cleared a few things up with my thoughts.
Even just a few months ago, I still thought that’s what I wanted. I had the dog and I had the guy, so I was just missing the dream job and happiness. And I thought this happy place was home.
But it wasn’t until very recently I discovered that happiness isn’t waiting for me to turn the corner and find it.
Happiness isn’t a place or a dream job; happiness is a choice that I get to make every single day. And it’s totally dependent on me and now, not something happening tomorrow.
Through this discovery, I made the decision to start getting to know myself; by reading and following a journal, by working hard on the things that I love, and even harder on the things that I don’t love so much, to help me learn about my limits. I started to be grateful, to dedicate some proper me time.
And just like that, I discovered that I’m unexpectedly in this new-found journey, with no particular goals in mind. My main focus is to live in the present.
I know that sounds cliché, but I’m totally serious.
I’ve been keeping myself busier than ever before, which I always thought would get the best of me and drain me. But on the contrary, it has made me realise that I have so much more to give, and so much more to get from life. Where as my initial materialistic idea of success = happiness, would have kept me searching for something better, for my entire life; it has made me focus on creating meaning from everything around me.
And suddenly I find myself single, with no dream job (whatever that may be), and no dream country.
And yet, I feel complete.
So I guess that’s why I’m deciding to stay; only a little bit longer though; the sun does scream my name at the end of the day.
But I get to be my own home now. I get to choose when and where I can feel good. And I still have a very long way to go, a lot of new things to discover, new people to meet and new places to visit.
I will only choose to move on when I feel like I’ve allowed everything around me to teach me a new lesson. That’s when I’ll be done.
As for today? This glass of wine is well beyond empty, so I guess I’ll order another one.