Sometimes All You Can Do Is Breathe, And That Is Enough
The darkness crushed me. The weight on my chest grew bigger and breathing became more difficult. I could feel the depths of despair pulling me down into the black abyss of my brain.
I didn’t know it at the time but this thing was slowly killing me. It was taking over my life and I was letting it.
What could I do though? How could I stop this feeling from engulfing me in my entirety?
“Just breathe.”
I heard it, but barely registered its meaning.
“Just breathe.”
I don’t know how I knew what these words even meant but I suddenly felt myself trying.
The first breathe was the hardest. It was like drinking ice-cold water after chewing spearmint gum. It felt like breathing in was taking away even more air. I couldn’t do it, it was too hard and too restricting, I wanted to cry but nothing came out.
Everything started to freeze, I got cold and the darkness was winning. I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t think, I could just feel and it was too much to feel right now.
“Just breathe.”
You held my hand. For the first time in what felt like forever there was some warmth. Just a little bit. At the tip of my fingers, the warmth was there. Barely. But it was something to hold onto.
I didn’t understand what was happening with me. This caused the panic to come back; had it been ten seconds or ten hours? I didn’t know. I just knew that I didn’t know and that was terrifying.
The tears finally started to roll down my face. I was sliding down the wall to the floor as my legs could no longer hold me up. This was it, I finally understood that there was no coming back.
“Just breathe.”
My butt hit the ground and I crumbled. I heard you coming. After what felt like years you finally engulfed me. You held me in your arms like a child, patting my hair while I shook, cried and let go of everything I didn’t realize I was holding onto.
I didn’t realize this was what I needed to live. I need to feel safe, present and loved.
‘Just breathe.”
You started to do this with me; you held my face and took deep breathes. To my surprise, the more I did this the less intrusive it felt. The more I realized that I needed this to survive. To pull myself out of the darkness, I needed to breathe and be present.
I needed to feel your hug, and hear your words. I needed to be here in the moment feeling everything to truly heal myself. You continued to remind me to keep breathing; you continued to hold me and you continued to save me.
“Just breathe.”
Such a simple statement, but in the darkest depths of my depression, these are the words that saved me.
These are the words that I held onto. These are the words that saved my soul.
“Just breathe.”