You Fooled Me Twice But Now I’m Coming Home To Myself
Sometimes, it is easier to blame someone.
Most of the time, it is nobody’s fault but simply a consequence of timing, and miscommunication.
But in some instances, it is necessary to hold people accountable.
Seduced by Abuse
As a writer, I am lucky. I can write poems until kingdom come; they help me flow and figure my way out through portals in my mind.
I have been humbled by my own realisations of self, understanding where I could have acted better or handled something differently.
However, I am often mortified by the way I have let others treat me, when viewing situations through the lens of distance and detachment.
“How could I let this happen again?”
“What did I do to deserve the same life lesson twice?”
Forever giving myself a hard time (it can take a while to consistently recognise, let alone shake off your mother’s voice in your head), I offer my power away to those who harm me.
And why? Because I love them? Or think I love them?
I’m just wired that way.
The Dangers of Empathy
I like to consider myself a caring individual. Sure, I could always be more switched on; take cues and make more of those small, kind gestures. But on the whole, I’m alright.
Naturally, I have been attracted to those types of guys with a story. The tragic kind that makes you feel like you’re living a movie. They have deep, penetrating eyes that search your soul, not to discover you but to swallow you up.
The world becomes a dangerous place if you don’t know how to spot and avoid the hungry people.
Women, or anyone for that matter, who have a very fuzzy image of love, will end up chewing on scraps, and all kinds of temptations-on-a-stick that get flung in front of them. Whilst there are those that may be ravenous in a psychopathic sense, you are easy pickings if you are also hungry (in need of love).
I have spent a terrible, confusing time vacillating between who was who. It is a classic case of muddling the hungers. Some people refer to it as gaslighting.
Who is doing what, and what does that say about you?
A very nasty business.
Some hungry people are just downright cruel. They will call you anything under the sun, put their hands on you and whimper at any retaliation as if you called an airstrike on them. They will lie and slander.
This is an attack on your integrity and who you are inside.
You may even believe them.
Seeing so much of yourself in another person can make you blind to the person you truly are.
Yes, being empathetic has its pitfalls. Understand that.
Return to Self
Make a promise to yourself. Do not let awful experiences change core aspects of yourself.
It can be tough, replaying the bad scenarios over in your mind, thinking little of yourself. It can get to the point where it has become more of a habit than something you consciously think.
If you find yourself in this position, let me say there is nothing to fear or feel ashamed about. Those who scorn at others during tough times are falsely righteous. There will always be those who talk.
When we find ourselves lost–whether that be lost in another human being or puzzling mystery, or thrown off course by some chance–we all have an in-built compass that points us back to ourselves.
Just know, there is no shame in being lost for a minute.
God knows, we softies wallow in heartache. They don’t mention how slow the uptake can be when you make the decision to be wholesome and whole with yourself. You could feel bored at times, without that addictive rush of romance.
A wonderful way to get back home to yourself is reliving other habits. Old habits. Lovely habits you had as a child; things you used to do but forgot about.
How do you like to play?
What is your favourite meal?
Are you clinging to any items that should be thrown out?
What new habits can you forge?
An outside influence can be immensely helpful; perhaps a friend you have been meaning to catch up with.
Another thing they don’t mention is how “cutting people off” and “letting go” takes time. As you reach for comforting, new experiences, you can use the rubble of the past to prop you up. Building yourself back up can be lengthy. It is supposed to be. Slow, deliberate and of great quality.
Where fools didn’t see the value in you, others will. And so will you.
Remember, if you were tricked once–or even twice–you will be all the wiser and wilier, and all the happier with your future in love.