Last summer, I met someone I thought was my dream guy. It was an instant connection, fiery and magnetic; he stirred my soul.
But after finding out that we lived nearly 100 miles away from each other, I was unsure what would unfold.
But, it unfolded; deeply, beautifully, and completely into a full-blown love.
We dated for two months and then became an official couple.
It was a dreamy haze of love, adventure, and passion.
We explored the coast of Cornwall and Devon in my cozy little van, woke up in the most gorgeous little hideaways, and ate chocolate peanut butter porridge to our hearts’ content.
Everything felt super easy and super dreamy—I thought this was it.
I thought he was my man.
One day in November, I woke up to a surprising phone call.
He told me that he was moving to Cornwall—he wanted to fully commit to our relationship. Plus, he also had a job opportunity in Cornwall.
At first, I was shocked; being a super independent person, I love my own space.
However, after letting the news sink in, I was so excited!
Everything was working out for us.
It happened in a split second, and within weeks, he had moved into my house share while he searched for his own place in Cornwall.
We spent the whole of December living together in my house, and while there were some defining, tricky moments, I fell in love with having someone to love, someone right next to me.
The whole experience was a huge learning curve, as I had never lived with a partner before.
I learned how to surrender to love, compromise in love, navigate conflict in love, and return to love.
I loved having him around, and although he worked late nights—a small price to pay—I felt that every compromise was worth it; he was worth it.
We dreamt of our future in a white cloud of stardust: a cute Cornish cottage, our fluffy cats and dogs, our dream jobs, and building a family.
But as our relationship crossed over into the New Year, the cracks began to appear.
We seemed to have totally opposite communication styles. He was often quite frank and brutally honest, while I found it hard to express myself navigating conflict. Although this was one aspect of him that I truly loved, it also triggered the absolute shit out of me.
Whenever I felt the sharp bite of his tongue, my nervous system would go into a frenzy, and I would struggle to find any words or way of expressing my truth and feelings.
He would always come back with an apology and a whole load of love, but I would already be frazzled by this point—my system would get stuck on fight, flight, or freeze.
In turn, my silence would trigger him to his core. He would be left wondering what was circling in my head, what I was truly feeling.
The more he asked for answers, the more I lost my voice.
I loved him so deeply, but I was beginning to feel drained.
We both tried so hard to alter our communication styles; he agreed to be softer in his approach, and I agreed to speak up more.
We even bought a couples communication book (Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin) and began working our way through the chapters. However, even during the processes in the book, we both became triggered and quickly realized that we had two totally different attachment styles.
While I wholeheartedly believe that relationships take work and that a healthy relationship isn’t always sunshine and roses, it was getting to the point where the sun was never shining, and our roses were wilting.
In January we were due to go on our first holiday together. We had both been excited for months, but things had gotten so rocky the week before that we were unsure whether we would even make it.
However, we worked through it and reveled in our love bubble; having a whole house to ourselves was a novelty. Despite the pre-holiday tension, we melted back into each other’s arms.
On day four of the holiday, shit hit the fan. We had a small misunderstanding, which led to a bigger argument. I was exhausted and wanted to sleep, and he wanted to talk deeper and deeper about what had just happened. I wanted to just let it go, roll on over and go back to sleep. He was wide awake, tossing and turning.
Eventually, the conversation sizzled down. Although it was a lot later than I wanted it to be, we fell asleep.
The next night, the same misunderstanding arose again.
He was triggered beyond any point I had ever seen him before, and I felt squashed by his energy.
I cried, and I cried, and I cried. After not having much sleep all week and driving around in a busy city all day, I was exhausted. I did not have the energy for this argument to rise again.
He walked out of the room in anger, and I lay there numb and broken.
I cried until 6AM the next morning, and I honestly didn’t know what to do with me, him, or us.
We discussed whether we should break up. He said that he would pack up his stuff and get the train if that was what I wanted. I didn’t know what I wanted.
After chatting openly, honestly, and deeply for an hour, we realized that there was just too much love to let each other go. We fell asleep on top of each other on the sofa and woke up feeling relieved that we had come back to love.
The next day we were back in our flow; however, a tiny part of me was petrified.
I noticed the angel number 999 everywhere on the drive home. Usually, the Universe sends me this sign when something needs to end in my life.
On return from our holiday, I called a good friend and voiced my concerns about the arguments on our holiday. My friend, who knew me well, said:
“It sounds like you are breaking through old relationship patterns. Usually, you run, so why don’t you stick it out and see what happens? If you are still feeling like this in a few months, you will know. You will know whether you need to be with him or leave him for this pattern to be healed.”
His advice was bang on. For the past six years, I had only had a series of short-lived, intense relationships. When things got rough, or I felt unsure, I would end it before it ended me.
So, I gave it my absolute all for the next three months. I did my best to compromise, and so did he. I did my best to communicate better, and so did he. We did our best together to become the best couple we could be.
Three months later, on the evening before my birthday, I sat in his bed with tears streaming down my face. My intuition was telling me it was time for us to go our separate ways, but I didn’t want to believe it, voice it or express it because then it would be real.
My anxiety levels were so high that I had to let it out. I told him the truth, what I was feeling, what I had been bottling up, how heavy things were becoming between us, and that I didn’t know if I could do it anymore.
He held me, loved me, and supported me through the conversation. For a moment, I felt a little better. I appreciated him being able to hear me.
That night we said a prayer together and asked for divine guidance about our relationship. And, the next morning, it hit.
I woke up feeling sick, with a churning stomach and bullet holes in my heart.
It was my birthday, and instead of making pancakes and visiting my parents together, we both had covid, and I ended up walking out saying that I wanted to take a break from our relationship.
That evening, I burst through my front door in desperation and tears, and my gorgeous housemates had words of advice for me.
One said, “Your heart is being cracked open.” And the other said, “It’s happening for you, not to you, my love.”
I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed, asking for divine guidance every day. One night, before bed, I sat down and asked to receive a message about our relationship in my dream state, and that night I received the dream.
In the dream, I saw myself standing under a starry night sky and asking: “Universe, should I end this relationship in my life?”
After asking this question, I saw a shooting star fly across the sky—a sign of confirmation.
I woke up in a flood of tears, knowing that I had received the truth in this situation. It was time to leave.
Although I trusted this guidance, I wanted further clarity; I felt the love was still too strong to throw it all away.
I sat down with my oracle cards and pulled a three-card spread. To my absolute shock, these are the messages that I received.
The first card said, “Cracked open: It’s happening for you, not to you.”
I instantly got the shivers, and my housemates looked at me in disbelief. “That’s exactly what we said to you yesterday!”
I knew the Universe had my back. Even though I didn’t understand what was happening, I knew that I was being divinely guided.
The middle card said, “No: Wait. Postpone. Pause. Say no,” further confirmation to take some time from our relationship. I specifically noticed the lightning imagery in this second card; for some reason, it felt poignant.
One week later, my partner and I met up to discuss the next steps.
Just before meeting him, I pulled one more card and did a short meditation asking for strength, clarity, and guidance during our meeting.
The card said, “The Crumbling: What are you clinging on to?”
I knew the tower of our relationship was about to fall.
Again, I noticed similar imagery in this card—a lightning bolt captured me.
I then sat in silent meditation, connecting to source energy and inviting divine guidance to reveal itself to me. After fifteen minutes or so, I received an image in my mind.
I saw a plaster being ripped off someone’s skin and blood pouring everywhere. My heart lurched as I heard, “The plaster just needs to be ripped off.”
I emerged from this meditation feeling confused and disturbed by this message and then made my way to pick him up from the train station.
That evening, we sat by the sea talking things through, and after going round in circles a few times, he got out of the van to have a cigarette and take some space.
I don’t know why, but for some reason, I picked up my phone and scrolled my thumb down to reveal any new notifications. Perhaps it was a coping mechanism; I wanted to be distracted so that I didn’t have to feel. However, when the notifications popped up, my heart stopped.
For some reason, a random weather reporting app had launched on my screen, and it showed a bolt of blue lighting. I knew this was a sign; it linked back to my oracle card set!
I needed to let our love crumble.
A few minutes later, he got back in the van, and I said, “I’m not sure what to do, I can’t stay with you right now, but I don’t know if I can leave. Maybe, we just need some more time to reconnect with ourselves?”
He responded, “I hear what you’re saying, but I can’t do half in or half out. We’re either in or out. I think we both know the answer; we just need to rip the plaster off.”
We just need to rip the plaster off.
Again, I was blown away by the synchronicity.
We hugged each other, breathing in the sense of relief-tainted sadness, and said our goodbyes.
I think I knew a long time before it ended that our relationship needed to end. We were pulling each other out of alignment and off our highest paths, even though there was so much love between us.
I hadn’t written anything in months, I had stopped exercising, my financial situation had become a mess, my health was deteriorating, and I was constantly emasculating my partner in an attempt to keep some control of my life.
His dream job laid out for him in Cornwall never materialized, and he ended up working 50-hour weeks at a job that was draining the living soul out of him. He had left everything for me, and now he had nothing because of me.
We had both become two versions of empty beings.
The funny thing is, not only did I receive divine guidance and signs during the decision-making process, but the Universe also pulled the rug out from beneath our feet.
The same week that I expressed that I wanted to take a break from our relationship, he had a conversation with his employer, resulting in him losing his job. In the space of one week, the Universe opened a whole new chapter for him, and he was offered a job back up in Devon.
Within one month, he had gone.
The beauty is if we hadn’t ended it ourselves, the Universe would have ended it for us.
As much as my heart breaks even writing this post, I remember all the joy with so much love.
I remember the laughter, the banter, precious moments and soft whispers, the intimacy, the unfolding, the sensual and alfresco dinners. I remember hot tub moments, the first time I cried, a man who held my heart tender and cracked my heart wide open.
He was my best friend, being the best man he could be, and I hope that our paths will cross one day and we will laugh at how it was all meant to be.
I will never forget this love. I will also never forget this lesson as to how loved, supported, and held we are by the higher realms.
The synchronicity of the situation continues to blow me away. Even though I don’t know what or who is next on my path, I trust that the divine will lead the way.
A few weeks ago, we met up for our final goodbye.
I collected the last of my belongings. That evening, I got back to my house and scrolled to see the notifications on my phone.
Funnily enough, the random weather app decided to launch again, and this time, it said:
“Couple see rare shooting star across a starlit sky.”
I saw the imagery and laughed, warmed by the fact that I was still being supported, guided, and loved. Even though my love was gone, the divine was working to heal my heart.