To My Beautiful Body – I Am Sorry
To my body, I am sorry.
I am sorry for not loving you the way I am supposed to. Actually, I am sorry for not only failing to love you, but for loathing you. I am sorry I’ve spent the majority of my life hating you.
I am sorry for not giving you what you needed. And I’ve withheld food, rest, care, and respect from you for too long. I thought that starving myself would make me feel whole, but it left me empty. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am sorry for not listening to you when you tried to teach me how to love you better. And I am sorry for ignoring your signals for so long that you stopped sending them.
I am sorry for running you into the ground. I thought that I could outrun my demons, but instead, I ran myself into oblivion. You’re a fighter though. And even with all the running, you kept me safe and did not let me destroy you. You housed me, loved me, and protected me, even when I failed to do the same for you. And I am learning to love you for it.
I am sorry I continued to cover you up. I am sorry I’ve repeatedly called you ugly, not worthy, fat, weak, pale, rough, and broken. You are far from these things. I am sorry I let society tell me how to dress you, shave you, tan you, treat you, work you, and see you. Society cannot tell us how to love and treat our bodies. Only you can tell me how to treat you, and I am sorry for not listening.
I am sorry for not honouring you. Too many people that are not worthy of your beauty and grace have had the privilege of touching you. And I am sorry for not being more selective with who can see you. I am sorry for letting everyone have an opinion on you, and for giving those opinions more weight than they should have. I’ve measured your worth with too many numbers: weight, calories, carbohydrates, inches. Your worth is not quantifiable. Your worth is infinite, rooted in who you are and who you’ve always been. And I am sorry it took me so long to realise this.
I hope one day you stand tall for all that you are, rather than all that I have told you that you aren’t. I promise to focus more on your abilities. You are so capable and worth celebrating, and I am sorry for letting society influence me to celebrate all of the wrong things about you. I should be celebrating your strengths, not your flaws. I should be showing off the parts of you I am proud of, not the parts of you that society tells me are sexy or desirable. All of you is desirable. I hope one day you find someone who respects you and honours you as you should be. And I hope one day you can be free to be all you are.
I promise to be better. I promise to stop looking for faults and to start praising all you do for me. And I promise to walk by a mirror and point out something I like, rather than something I don’t. I promise to give you rest when you need it; you don’t have to earn it as you are already worthy. I promise to make time for you and to care for you properly, like you care for me. And I promise to love you better. Because you’ve loved me unconditionally, all along.