Being With You Took Me Away From My Path
You held out your hand. I looked up to see the light of a thousand suns in the form of a smile. For a moment, I hesitated. What could you have possibly wanted to do with me? With all my dull greys and fading whites.
I’d come here sometime as a child, wounded and lonely. Far far away from my demons. It was my haven; it was comfortable here. But I envied your world. I wanted to be a part of it. So I gave you my hand and let you guide me away from my path.
Slowly the rainbows you emitted started coloring up my world. Your voice rang like a melody. I couldn’t help but feel like I’d follow you anywhere. Like a disciple followed its master. Not once did I feel homesick; I was ready to build a new home with you.
But your pace started changing. You begin walking ahead. I’d assumed you were dragging me along, but all of a sudden, you let go. The path we once walked together only had space for one now.
Did you want me to catch up with you? Or was this goodbye?
I ran to you, but you’re far ahead. I called out your name, and you walked even faster. Why did you leave me here? I watched patiently till your figure merged with the darkness. You took your brightness with you.
Where did you bring me? Take me back to where you met me.
Maybe you left because I was draining your energy. Perhaps I was taking away your shine.
Quite truthfully, I had nothing to offer but my mind, body, and soul. But what good would that do to an adventurer?
I make my way back to the world I once called my own. It was so heartbreakingly familiar. Shattered dreams and remnants of the self-esteem I once had. I considered leaving to chase you down again, but where would I go? Your footprints had long disappeared, just like any trace of your existence.
Months went by, and each day went to waste waiting for your return. The longer I stayed there, the more holes started showing up in the walls. The homely grey started turning black. I realized that the temporary happiness you brought me was the cause of my destruction. This place is no longer home. I was living in a nightmare.
I hear whispers of the demons I thought I’d escaped from growing louder. Although I knew it was finally time to fight, I tried to stall for a little while longer. “I won’t survive this,” I thought. I already felt weaker than I ever had.
And so I ran and ran down a road I’d never explored. The road was filled with uncertainty and chaos. I didn’t know where I was going, but I kept running.
I reached a dead-end and, it was only a matter of time before my demons caught up to me. That’s when I decided to stay and fight. I was no longer allowed to hide in the background of my own life. I was being called to fight my self-destructive behaviors, and I was being called to heal my inner child wounds.
After living through one of the worst years of my life, I could finally see a glimmer of hope somewhere in the distance. As I made my way towards it, I realized that you were only a few miles away. You had your eye on me, like a predator watching its prey. The eyes that once brought me so much comfort now felt dangerous. As if they were baiting me.
I knew if I took another step in your direction, I’d have to rebuild my sense of belonging again. Because you and I are so fundamentally so different. I craved a sense of security and stability which you couldn’t provide. And I could never intrigue you enough to stop exploring what else the world has to offer. You’d always have the upper hand, and I’d always have to be the one anxiously waiting for you to change your mind. I thought I’d been absorbing your color, but in reality, you turned my mind to darkness.
So I kept walking towards the path I knew I was always meant to walk alone.
My knees trembled as I walked past you, but my heart was determined. I looked down and saw the grass turning into a beautiful shade of green. The sun shone brighter than I’d ever seen. Brighter than the sun did in your world. While I did have space for two, I knew the person I’d invite on my journey wasn’t meant to be you.