If you blame yourself for being abused, this was written for you.
Because I know right now you are feeling so lost and so lonely. I know that the days are hard, but the nights; the nights are worse than anything you could ever even imagine. The night is when your world comes crashing down around you.
I know some nights you fall asleep crying because you feel like the pain is never going to end. I know that some nights you fall asleep shaking, and it’s not because of the cold. You are so scared. You are so scared to be alone. But you are also so afraid to be in love. You cannot fathom the idea of giving yourself over to someone like that again.
I know right now that you are feeling like you are nothing, just another waste of space. I know that in these moments, the temptation is there to return to them. Because I know that you have always seen them as your escape route. I know at one point it seemed like the escape would be a beautiful, grand adventure. But then one day, you saw the adventure for what it really was.
You realised that your love was all an elaborate lie.
The only escape this person can offer you is an escape from the person you are right now, and the person you are destined to be. They can take you away from everything and everyone you have ever loved. I know on the bad days and the tumultuous nights, like the night you are having right now, that this escape to a different life seems like the right choice. The best choice for you and everyone in your life. I know you dream of being alone, more alone than you could ever feel in the world that you are in right now.
You just want the life you feel like you deserve. You just want to feel the hurt and be hurt, and live and make a home in the hurt. It has become easier for you to convince yourself that this is who you really are, than to try and dig past all of the pain and the trauma; to search for the person you used to be before them. Before everyone and everything else that ever happened to you.
Who were you before you began to shrink yourself away? Who were you before your self-worth became synonymous with your relationship status? Before the pain and the abuse?
Who were you before the hands that held you down felt like fire, because with them, you were always burning. They saw a tiny flame, a flicker of a human just trying to get by, and instead of helping you extinguish your pain, they ignited it. They threw the gasoline and the match and anything they could into your flame. And watched as you struggled, as everything and everyone you once were ignited. You are only ash now, and yet, you are still begging them to throw another match.
I know that you know deep down that none of this is your fault. And I know that healing is not easy. Especially when your mind has been warped so far beyond recognition, that when you look in the mirror, sometimes it is their eyes you see looking back at you, and not your own. I know that sometimes you think that you are the true monster here. You think that you are the toxic one who destroys any good that comes their way.
But tell me, why is this life with them that you are picturing better than the one you have right now?
A life with the one who hurt you the most is not the answer to your problems. This person is the reason for your pain, and they do not deserve your presence in their life ever again. I know it can be so difficult to be hopeful when someone has made you feel so worthless, but I promise you that a life with them is not the life you deserve.
You deserve to be deeply loved and cherished, without having to give up your soul in return.
Love that is true simply just exists; it is not based on someone else’s conditions. Walking on eggshells is no way to live the rest of your life. You have so much love to give to the world, and I promise that someone out there is dreaming of meeting a person just like you. Your soulmate is out there waiting for you, so please do not go back to the one who hurt you. Even on your worst days, you are deserving of love and a good life.
Always remember your value.