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This Is Me Not Talking About You

this is me not talking about you

I have to keep busy today.

I feel it coming on because my stomach hurts and nothing has happened yet, I feel uneasy. It will run through my body all of a sudden and hit me like a tidal wave and I know I will fall apart.

I won’t bring you up today. This is me not talking about you.

It’s raining today and the air is cool. I find comfort in walking around in my sweatshirt and briefs. The window is open. A few Will Smith movies come on and I’m down to binge all day.

This is me not talking about you.

I’m annoyed because I have to make a store run. My refrigerator consists of beer, string cheese, and orange juice. I grab a cheese stick to go and head to my car. My grocery store trip was short and uneventful; I almost grabbed a pizza from my favorite pizza place. The rain continued to come down. The car ahead of me drove so slowly.

This is me not talking about you.

I change into another sweatshirt because the one I had on is soaked. As I’m changing, my phone rings. It’s a number unsaved, so I ignore it. I’m alone again. It doesn’t bother me all the time, but now and then loneliness creeps in. I turn on some music, one of my playlists. Sabrina Claudio is the perfect artist for rainy days.

This is me not talking about you.

One of my best friends calls and we catch up for about forty-five minutes. She lives in New Orleans and every time she calls I get homesick. She’s happily married and just had a baby. We talk about working out and her new diet plan. I tell her I love her and we end our call.

This is me not talking about you.

It’s dark out now. I made it. A whole day without mentioning your name. As I begin to pat myself on the back, I’m reminded of today’s events.

The sweatshirt was yours. I needed to smell you because it was the closest thing to your touch.

The Will Smith movie was the first movie I watched with you and you’ve probably forgotten. I watch it over and over because it’s the closest thing to your laugh.

Every time I make a store run, I picture you laughing at me because I can’t cook and you wonder what is it I buy. Sometimes it annoys me that you think I can’t learn. I think about you at the grocery store because it’s the closest thing to a life with you.

And that car that was ahead of me? The license plate was one letter off and could have been your initials. The universe was really messing with me today. It stuck out to me because it was the closest to your name.

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The pizza shop was the first place we met after not speaking for months. I had been in the city for six months by the time I decided to reach out. I couldn’t take it anymore. But dammit, how normal today would be if I had never called. I still go there because it’s the closest chance I’ll have of running into you.

My best friend is married to your best friend. She’s the one who introduced us and I wish she hadn’t. I can’t even talk to her without thinking of you. Talking to her is the closest thing I have to never forget you.

I deleted your number a while ago, so every time a number unsaved comes flashing on the screen, I die a little. I’ll never put your name back in my phone because I just can’t bear to see it anymore.

I sent you that Sabrina Claudio song and you loved it through text messages and added a purple heart. You never showed too many emotions but the music was our language and I always understood you. I play it because it’s the closest thing I have to you telling me you love me.

The sweatshirt I changed into was the one I had on when we first met, we accidentally matched. You liked that I was laid back. We took our first picture that night. I keep that sweatshirt because it’s the closest thing to our memories. And I still have the photo too.

I start to feel heavy like I was holding a pile of bricks. I feel myself getting annoyed.

Today was my day, my day of self-care, my day to congratulate myself on a job well done. Today was my day; my day to walk around half-naked drinking a beer, my day to drink straight from the O.J. carton, my day to just be.

I had every intention to not even whisper your name. I poured myself a glass of wine and screamed. I can’t get away from you even if I wanted to. After all, I’ve been talking about you all day.

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