How To Move On When You Don’t Want To
In love, sometimes, connection becomes walls, and feelings become distance. And it’s painful because often we don’t know how it happened.
But I want you to know it’s okay. Happiness isn’t always constant; neither is sorrow or grief. Stalemates can’t last forever. And sometimes, most times, heartbreak saves us even if we think we’re drowning.
Because to be human is to be messy. It’s to be afraid and impulsive; defensive. It’s to fear the worst in people. To pick up swords and fight battles in defence of our hearts. It’s to try to hide every inch of our brokenness from others when we’re not ready to share it. Sometimes we need to keep painful things hidden, even from ourselves.
And it’s okay.
Because being human means walking jaggedly down an imperfect path.
But it also means learning how to heal and when to walk away. It means loving ourselves enough to move on, even if we don’t want to. It means forgiving ourselves if we’ve ruined things so spectacularly, we can no longer ignore the role we play in our destruction.
But it’s okay.
Grieve what you’ve lost, but be gentle, loving; kinder with yourself than you’ve ever been. If you could have done better, you would have. And whatever you do, be sure to allow your heart the space to be quiet; guard its resurrection fearlessly, allow it time to heal and then pick up the pieces.
Because you have to.
You can sit forever in what if’s; replay every scenario over and over in your mind. You can blame yourself for everything you did not know. You can blame them, too. You can stifle your heart in every future relationship. You can also prostrate yourself and beg back what you’ve lost. You can swirl yourself into jealous cycles. Drink all the drinks, take all the pills, sleep with all the strangers. Numb yourself from all the feelings.
But think about it. Please stop and think it through.
If they wanted you, if they wanted an “us,” you would never need to resort to that. You can not love someone into wanting you back. You cannot hurt yourself into it either.
If they are not calling, if they are not answering their phones, texting you back, putting in effort; the honest, super painful, but necessary truth is they don’t care enough about you to.
No person in the history of love has ever thought to themselves:
“Wow, I am so crazy about this person that when they call me and I see it, think, hmmm, I should ignore them and instead respond to all my friends’ social media posts. In fact, I should not call them back, or I should wait a few days. In fact, I’m never going to reach out first because I’m so crazy about them.”
Stop and let that sink in.
If they cared about you, they would be calling. Texting. Planning dates. They would be trying to spend as much time with you as they could because that’s what humans do. When we like something, and it likes us back, we want to be around it.
Love is not vague. It is not unclear. It is not painful.
If you are confused, if you have to spend a lot of time deciphering their actions toward you, that is your answer. They aren’t into you. They are not ready for commitment. Your feelings are not reciprocated. They’ve fallen out of love and are moving on, and you should too.
Because I promise you, love is gentle and beautiful. It is soft and caring. It is not a painful, confusing feeling. You will know when you are in it, with someone who is in it with you too.
So please, whatever you do—no matter how much it hurts—that tiny sliver of bravery you feel, use it to move on.
Here’s how.
1. Accept the truth.
You will never be ready to move on if you don’t face reality. If you ignore their actions and hold out hope that maybe they will change their minds, if only you showed them how amazing you are, you will stay stuck in an unhealthy pattern and destroy your self-esteem.
Don’t you want a partner who knows your worth? Who sees it and values you? How will they see your worth if you can’t? If you keep chasing someone who is throwing you away or taking you for granted, how will you show them you are amazing?
2. Don’t wait by the phone.
When you reach out, and they don’t reach back, fill your time with you. It is a biological fact that what you place your focus on grows. Focus on your betterment.
It’s so tempting to stay by the phone, to pick it up every three seconds, see if they called. If they’re too busy for you, don’t be too busy for you also. Instead, fill your time with what you love, and your happiness will grow.
3. Date you.
It’s easy nowadays to swipe right, fill up your dating calendar, boost your ego, distract yourself. I challenge you not to. Why pull someone in you’re only sort of interested in and risk hurting them so that you can heal? Sure, if you’re both on the same page; but if they’re investing and you’re just getting over someone, you may pass on your hurt to someone else.
4. Have Patience.
Know that with time and self-care, you will move on. Even if you think you can’t heal, you will. Think about it. There have been other moments in your life when healing felt impossible; like you broke your heart so good it couldn’t possibly recover. But it did, and you did, and happiness bloomed in your heart again. The same thing will happen to you this time; you will heal. Your heart will mend, and when it does, it’ll be more durable. Wiser. Have more capacity to love.
Remember, you are worthy of love. Read that again. You. Are. Worthy. Love will find you again, and this next time, you’ll be ready.