I Am Slowly Learning To Love & Respect Myself
I was 15 years old when I took my first painkiller for period pain. It started an addiction that culminated in me nearly dying in June 2021.
I left the hospital with a bag of my clothes, no relationship, no friends, and a family who were reluctant to help but ultimately did.
I would have some days and eventually weeks clean. Although, I dislike that word, it implies that being a drug addict is dirty. In reality, it means that person is very, very lost.
I would “find” myself for a while, but I could not sustain it.
I followed a piece of advice about remembering what I loved before I got lost.
I remember a fondness for mysticism and witchcraft and the power of women.
And writing.
I made my intention. I wanted to write. To reach other women with my words.
I entered into what many would call a dark night of the soul. It lasted for two weeks.
I purged. I cried. I fought my impulses, and I met with my shame and my victim good.
I learned from them.
I learned I’m a woman who loves deeply and feels so much.
I saw my vulnerability. When I embraced it as something beautiful and pure strength instead of what made me weak and susceptible to running from myself (straight into the arms of drugs).
I had a hard childhood. My siblings and I helped my dad care for my sick mother. We lost her in August of 2018. My birth month.
I was loved, though. We all were. With an intensity, I can only now understand.
You see, I never had children. I couldn’t even look after myself, but what I have done is start to love my self.
It started with my wanting to feel peace. I wanted so badly to stop feeling bad.
Positive affirmations felt too much like lies.
The truth was I didn’t love or value my self.
But I was willing to try.
I became willing to forgive and accept that all of us are scared.
I found my compassion.
I started to see the similarities between other women and me. Instead of feeling threatened, I wanted to learn from them.
So I told myself (and the universe) that I wanted to respect myself. I wanted to actually begin and finish something.
So I wrote a book.
And another
Then another.
I’m not published yet. I still have much more healing to do and confidence to build.
But being willing is healing so much.
I’m now willing to speak to myself like someone I love and respect.
The results have been mind-blowing.
Starting with forgiveness.
Followed by my making an intention to become someone I could love and respect.
I started with 15 mins every morning and evening.
Affirmations of where I wanted to be and who I wanted to become.
What I was already grateful for.
I wrote to the now, the life I want to live.
For example:
“Money flows to me in unexpected ways. ”
“I am a published author.”
“I love myself.”
“I am safe and divinely loved and guided.”
Having something bigger than myself that I felt a part of helped so much.
I started reading tarot cards and built an altar in my living room; I dedicated it to the goddess of the moon.
Releasing my shame about being a woman and the collective fear and shame I refuse to feed into.
I am a woman and a powerful woman. I follow the ways of nature, and I’m deeply in touch with and proud of my sacred femininity.
I am divine, and I have guides and angels who love and guide me.
I balance that with knowing (willing to know) how much I am capable of and that I also have a balanced masculine side.
I will enjoy and revel in being a woman first.
I treat myself with the respect I will automatically, and without words, demand from others.
I am a goddess.