Sea waves have significant symbolism in my life, and I have always liked them. So much so that I have a tattoo of sea waves on my arm. It has so many powerful meanings for me.
Much like sea waves, life has taken me through many different experiences. Some that I have been able to overcome, and some that have pulled me under.
Sometimes, the sea waves serve as a source of comfort for me. The sea is where I have gone when dealing with grief and heartache, and it is also where I have gone on the good days.
When I first experienced heartbreak, one of the comfort songs I listened to on repeat contained lines that went something like, “standing strong as the waves roll over.”
The waves symbolize the grief I experienced after I lost my brother a year ago. That was the first time I had ever truly felt grief. Every day felt like a crash of waves. Some days were good, and on others, I was reminded of the cruel hand we were dealt.
I have not been the same since. I have had a hard time trusting my happiness since he passed. On the day he died, I was having a great day. I was happy. I accidentally stepped on shit that day (barefoot), and it didn’t even faze me. Little did I know how much things were going to change that night.
It has been a year and a month since that day, and though I feel like I am starting to heal, I worry about going through the same thing every day. Losing someone so suddenly and unexpectedly is such a jarring feeling to contend with. The thought of losing another loved one similarly puts me in an extreme state of anxiety. Something I still deal with to this day.
Like the unpredictability of sea waves, I am now afraid of fully submerging myself in life.
Afraid to be happy. Afraid of something bad happening on an ordinary day. Afraid to be tested if I am capable of “standing strong as the waves roll over.”
But a wave, much like life, is something we cannot entirely escape from. We are forced to ride it out, no matter how unpredictable it is or how far it drags us out of our comfort zones. The ultimate test is whether we live in fear or jump into the ocean and try to swim again.
My hope is that I find the courage again to walk barefoot through the sand and dip my toes in the water with a little faith in this wave that we call life.