When we we go through any type of trauma, it feels like we will never get back to where we were before. It’s easy to bury your head in the sand and deny what has happened. Better than confronting the harsh reality of what happened.
Trauma is a deeply disturbing experience, something that stays with you. It becomes a part of you; a horrifying mark, a sickening scar.
You think when you confront such trauma, that it’s the worst pain in the world. But the worst pain is realising you’ve lost yourself in the process. It’s almost like your heart is breaking. You try and put yourself back together with the pieces you’ve been left with. But the sad realisation dawns on you that you’ve given so much of yourself away, and there is nothing to build yourself back up with.
It’s like you’re standing on the edge of a shoreline, begging yourself to come back; but at the same time, a part of you doesn’t see the point in going back. You’re tired of trying.
When the pain hits, it’s all you feel. You feel like you can’t breathe, and it’s like the wind has been drawn violently from your lungs. You are in a constant struggle, fighting to come to the surface for even one breath. It’s a darkness that curls and wraps itself around you, offering solace in its sweet oblivion. It whispers to you not to struggle, as it holds you in its cold yet comforting embrace.
So what tells us to fight?
What instinct in us encourages us to not allow the pain to suffocate us? To not hear its promises of a quiet and sweet end?
I believe there’s a fighter in everyone. A voice that wills us to fight on for another breath. A being that that doesn’t fight our battles for us, but is there to remind us that deep down within us, there is a part of us that is untouched. That place where our strength resides. A strength to be able to fight our own battles.
It’s a call to that part of you, that light that banishes the darkness around you. It reminds you that the pain that drowns you, will not bring you down. That it is not the end. And as you struggle against the grip of all that tries to bring you down, it pushes you to keep fighting, even as your arms tire and you gasp for air. The voice in you strengthens with every kick, every push to the ripple of the peace that lies above the surface.
You realise that fighter in you had never disappeared nor failed you, but was simply waiting. Waiting for you to seek it out.
With every realisation that your trauma, your pain, has tried to break you down and make you a victim; you feel anger rise in you. Anger that fuels you to fight harder for your freedom. The simple freedom that you have been so blind to see. You have never been a victim, nor will you ever be. You are a survivor, a warrior, despite the circumstances that surrounded you. Despite the dark and grey that sought to drown you, you decided to say no.
You overcame. You fought for every bit of you. And as you break the surface and the rays of light illuminate your beauty, you take a deep breath and allow yourself to begin anew.