Spiritual sexuality (also known as sacred sexuality) is something I’ve been drawn to and practicing for years without the label. For me, sex is always a sacred act—I really struggle to separate the physicality of it from the emotional and spiritual aspects. You might feel the same way, or this might be a completely new idea. Either way, this post will explore what spiritual sexuality is along with simple ways to practice it, whether you have a partner or you’re flying solo.
Let’s talk about sex
Thanks to modern religion, we hold a collective belief that sex is dirty, sinful, and something to be ashamed of, especially as women. It has been ripped away from us and re-packaged as a commodity, which we see in the form of pornography, strip clubs, and brothels. But when we engage in soulful, sacred sex (which has nothing to do with religion), we actually create a connection with the universe, source, the divine (insert your preferred term here).
In ancient times, the Priestesses used to have sex with many different men in holy Goddess temples. History has tried to rewrite this narrative by claiming these women were prostitutes, but this is far from the truth. These women were embodying their divine feminine energy, merging their body and soul, connecting to the Great Goddess, and engaging in sex as a form of ritual, worship, and manifestation. Men would visit these women in temples because they wanted to feel that power and that connection to Her, which was only possible through women.
The act of sex is wild. It’s great for physical health, intimacy, creativity, and happiness. And if we want to experience the full benefits of sex and let go of the shame we carry around it, then we have to start shifting how we think and feel about it and how we approach it.
What is spiritual sexuality?
Spiritual sexuality is rooted in the awareness of the powerful energy of sex and that it’s an emotional and spiritual experience rather than just a physical one.
When we transform our relationship with sex and sexual pleasure, it has the power to build trust, deepen the intimacy in our relationship, heal our wounds and trauma, and bring more happiness into all areas of our lives.
Instead of viewing sex purely as a physical act or a release, viewing sex as a spectator, or taking a warm, naked body for granted, we can add this spiritual dimension to sex and enjoy the pleasure of being fully in the present moment and commune with our soul at the same time.
Most of us are so hungry for sex because we’re hungry for this connection to the divine that modern religion has taught us is not possible. But it is. And you don’t need to go to church to experience it. You don’t need to view sexual pleasure as a sin to experience it. Everything you need is within you, and it always has been.
There is no right or wrong way to have spiritual or sacred sex. Some people connect it to their religious beliefs, others see it as a part of their spiritual practices (tantra), and others (like me) simply view it as a way to build a deeper, more fulfilling connection with their partner.
Anyone can enjoy spiritual sex.
Why does sacred sex feel so good?
There are so many benefits to dipping your toes into spiritual sexuality:
- Sex will feel more fulfilling
- You’ll release any shame or blockages you have around sex and pleasure
- It can help you heal from sexual trauma
- Clear your sacral chakra and awaken your sexual energy
- Enjoy tidal waves of desire and pleasure
- A deeper heart connection and intimacy with your partner
- Longer love-making sessions
- A deeper mind, body, and soul connection (with yourself and your partner)
- Connection with the divine
- Feel more present
- A prolonged state of enlightenment and awakening
What is the difference between spiritual sex and tantric sex?
Classical tantra is primarily about working with the subtleties of our energetic body and moving this energy through our chakras. Most of these practices are non-sexual, which is why you might hear yogis say that what we call “tantra” today is not actually tantra.
Neo-tantra is a newer set of ideas, practices, and techniques primarily focused on moving sexual energy and improving our sex lives by promoting conscious sexuality. It includes sexual and non-sexual practices (which we’ll explore in this post) and helps couples achieve a state of bliss without orgasm.
Spiritual sex is broader than tantra and can include anything that feels sacred to you, or you associate with spirituality. For example, something as simple as lighting a candle might make sex a sacred experience, saying a prayer with your partner, or gazing into each other’s eyes.
Spiritual sexuality: how to have sacred sex
Let’s explore how exactly you can enjoy sacred sex and transform your relationship with sex. FYI, you can do this solo or with a partner.
1. Release expectations
The first step toward spiritual sexuality is to let go of any expectations you have for yourself, your partner, or the experience. Doing anything for the first time always comes with some nervousness and maybe even some embarrassment. Think about the first time you ever had sex—it probably wasn’t as good as the sex you experienced later in life!
So be gentle with yourself and each other. Go into this with a curious mindset, let yourself be free, and try and have fun. See what you like, what makes you uncomfortable, and what doesn’t do anything for you. Learn from this, carry it with you into the next sexual experience, and repeat.
2. Connect to your spirituality
What makes something sacred is not the actual thing (sex in this case) but your relationship to that thing and how you approach it.
It can help to think about what you want to get out of spiritual sex, which will vary for everyone.
It doesn’t matter if you’re the least religious person on the planet—I am not religious, either. But every human being on this earth is spiritual, whether they’re connected to that part of themselves or not.
So think about how you can tap into your spiritual body and sexuality, and recognize that sex affects this part of us.
3. Fuck with discernment
I wrote a whole post dedicated to this, which you can read here. Somewhere along the way, women were sold a lie that if they wanted to empower themselves and gain an equal footing with men, casual sex was the way to do it. But I think anyone who has done this realizes that it’s not empowering at all; it actually strips us of our power. Boundaries are what empowers us.
When you view sex as sacred, you’ll become more discerning about who you share your body with. You’ll be more aware of how that shared energy impacts you. And the more you engage in sacred sex, the more purely physical sex will start to feel unfulfilling.
4. See the divine in your lover
When you recognize the divine within you, you’ll start to see it within all other people, animals, and nature. And if you are an expression of this higher power, so is your partner. Bring awareness to this when you’re together, looking into their eyes, and having sex.
5. Create a sacred space
Before I have sex, it’s really important to me to set up my space and create a relaxed, romantic, sensual vibe in the room. I might put on some calm background music, light some candles, or pop on the fairy lights, make sure we have clean sheets and that the room is tidy and free of clutter.
You can take this even further and scatter rose petals on your bed, find a special blanket that you only use for sacred sex, light some incense, or add some essential oils to a diffuser.
Think about what feels sacred to you, and follow your inner guidance.
I always shower before I have sex, and on the few occasions where it’s spontaneous sex, and I haven’t had a chance to, I don’t feel right!
Think about how you cleanse your space by burning herbs before any kind of ritual or spellwork. Think about how good you feel when you clean your house, and everything looks neat and organized. And think about how relaxing it is when you’re in the shower or bath with water cascading down you and how restored you feel when you step out.
When you bathe, you’re not just physically cleaning yourself; you’re also washing away any stagnant energy, which allows you to go into this sacred experience in the best possible way.
Afterward, slip into something sensual that you keep solely for sex, like a robe, a slip, or whatever else makes you feel good.
When we hear about meditation, we’re often told about benefits like reducing stress and anxiety, being more present, and experiencing more gratitude. But because meditation helps us be fully present in the here and now, it lends itself to making love—sacred sex requires that we are fully present with our partner.
So consider bringing meditation into the bedroom. Meditate on your own or together before you have sex. Sit opposite one another and hold hands. Bring awareness to your breath, your body, and this moment. You might want to try synchronizing your breathing to feel more in tune.
You can also meditate after sex to cement the intimacy you shared and close this sacred ritual.
8. Don’t hold back
The word “tantra” means “to weave.” To weave together the masculine and feminine and unite with each other, the divine, and all of life.
What frequently holds us back in sex is self-restraint, not allowing ourselves to be fully seen, and not giving all of ourselves to one another. I don’t mean ignoring your boundaries and engaging in elaborate sex acts; I mean letting go and releasing your inhibitions. Not quieting our voices, trying to hide our bodies, or restricting our movement. When we do this, we can connect on a deeper level, and this is integral to spiritual sexuality.
Showing up authentically gives your partner permission to do the same. You will give them your full presence, and hopefully, they will give you theirs in return. And it’s this presence and energy that will make sex a beautiful, sacred, transcendent experience that can feel almost psychedelic.
9. Soul gaze
Having spiritual sex means consciously connecting with your partner before, during, and after sex. One of the most beautiful ways to do this is by gazing into each other’s eyes and not breaking the connection for at least one full minute.
The first time I did this was at my first yoga teacher training in Thailand, and it can be uncomfortable if you’re not used to it. It requires both people to be incredibly open and vulnerable with each other. The eyes truly are the window to the soul. So when you do this, it will feel like you’re looking into your partner’s soul.
Face each other, and hold hands if you want to. Look at their left eye, or right eye, or softly gaze into both eyes. Feel the sacredness of this moment. See the divine in your partner. Bring awareness to any emotions that arise for you or if you are averting your gaze.
It’s not a staring contest, so you can always close your eyes for a second or two as a refresher! But do try and stay in the moment together.
10. Engage the five senses
One of the best ways to enjoy your spiritual sexuality and sacred sex is to steer your focus away from penetration and towards the subtle realms of sex. Engaging your other senses can really aid with this.
Focus on slow embraces with your partner, gentle touch, and soft kisses. You might want to avoid the more common erogenous zones for a while and build the tension. Give each other a sensual massage with some coconut or almond oil.
Use a lovely essential oil like rose or ylang ylang to anoint each other’s crown, third-eye, and heart chakras.
11. Connect with your breath
A lovely way to connect with your breath is to place your hands on your heart and feel your breath rising and falling through you. Then, place your right hand on your partner’s heart and have them do the same to you. Synchronize your breathing. When you inhale, picture love pouring into your heart. As you exhale, send that love down through your arm and to your partner’s heart. As you both do this, a love circuit is created between you.
You could also experiment with drawing sexual energy up from your sacral chakra and circulating it through your entire body.
12. Let your intuition guide you
Perhaps the most important thing with spiritual sexuality is to tune into your intuition and allow it to guide you. Explore sacred sex however you feel called to. Remember that every experience will be different because you will be different, and your partner will be different.
13. Have a solo session
You don’t need to wait until you’re coupled up to experience the magic of spiritual sex. A solo session can be just as sacred if you treat it that way.
Light some candles, wear something that feels luxurious against your skin, anoint yourself with essential oils, meditate, breathe, caress yourself, play, and enjoy connecting on a deeper level with your body and spirit and feel tidal waves of pleasure washing over you.
When we treat sex in a sacred way like this, we can use the power of our sexual energy to manifest our deepest desires, especially when we’re bleeding because period blood is magical.
14. Enjoy slow sex
“Karezza” is a term in tantric sexuality that refers to gentle love-making. The focus is on the act itself rather than the goal of orgasm. And when you remove this goal and slow down the speed of sex, it allows you to connect to your body and emotions in a deeper way, as opposed to having someone pounding into you and creating a lot of friction. That isn’t ideal for anyone.
Even if you think you’re going slow, slow down even more. Challenge yourself and your partner to go as slowly as possible without stopping!
Look at sex as a whole rather than that tiny part at the end when you’re in a state of bliss. This is what spiritual sexuality is all about.
What if you could be in a different kind of bliss from start to finish?
What if you shifted how you think about orgasms and looked at the entirety of sex as one splendid orgasm?
This is how you can experience continuous waves of orgasm the whole way through.
15. Experience a sacred orgasm (but don’t put pressure on this)
Like I said in the point above, having an orgasm at the end of sex is not the goal when you’re having spiritual sex. But if you have an orgasm (at any point), bring awareness to the energy created, connect with it, and move it up to your heart.
This allows you to use that energy by elevating it to higher chakras rather than letting it go to waste.
16. Indulge in self-care together afterward
The final way to enjoy sacred sex is to not rush back into everyday life right after your session, whether it’s a solo one or with someone else.
Take some time to share your thoughts, emotions, and challenges with your partner or in a journal. Bask in the intimacy you just experienced. Nourish yourself with fresh fruits, dark chocolate, or a cup of cacao.
Spiritual sexuality is available to us all
I hope this post has shown you that sex can be much more than physical. We live in a world that has reduced it to this and a method to procreate, but sex has always been so much more.
If we can shift our relationship to sex and the way we have sex, we can work through the shame, guilt, and taboo we’ve inherited around it, heal our sexual trauma, and reclaim our sexual sovereignty.